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Here's a rundown of all the daytime Inaugural coverage.
AMERICAN IDOL (8p ET, FOX) -- The auditions continue in this hour-long edition.
THE NEIGHBORHOOD BALL: AN INAUGURATION CELEBRATION (8p ET, ABC) -- President Barack Obama hosts the first Neighborhood Ball. Beyoncé, Mary J. Blige, Mariah Carey, Faith Hill, Alicia Keys and Stevie Wonder are scheduled to perform. A special showing highlights from other inaugural balls follows.
THE BIGGEST LOSER (8p ET, NBC) -- A wild jump-rope challenge leads to immunity.
CHANGE AND CHALLENGE: THE INAUGURATION OF BARACK OBAMA (9p ET, CBS) -- This special looks at Barack Obama's journey to the White House and shows highlights of the day's activities.
FRINGE (9p ET, FOX) -- "Fringe" returns with new episodes.
DATELINE (10p ET, NBC) -- In this Presidential Inauguration Special, see reports from the inaugural galas, with highlights of the night's biggest events.
LEVERAGE (10p ET, TNT) -- A new episode.
Wingnut's Inauguration Observation
It's inauguration day. [So if President Bush's pockets look really full, it's because he's stocking up on White House peanuts.]
World leaders received one final telephone call from President Bush Monday. [Then they all changed their numbers.]
President George W. Bush on Monday made a round of phone calls to leaders around the globe. [With his usual question: "Is your refrigerator running?"]
The Iraqi journalist who threw shoes at U.S. President George W. Bush will seek political asylum in Switzerland. [After being denied asylum in Holland, where the shoes are wooden.]
Joe Biden's wife told Oprah that her husband was told he could choose between being Vice President or Secretary of State but chose Vice President so he would be home with the family more often. [That meant that the Secretary of State position, which requires extensive foreign travel, could then be given to Hillary Clinton. Biden keeps reminding Bill Clinton that he owes him one.]
Alex Trebek has signed to host Canada's newest reality competition show, Canada's Next Prime Minister. [Yes! It’s only Inauguration Day and already the U.S. is no longer the laughing stock of the Western world!]
The number one movie at the box office is the new Kevin James movie about a bumbling mall cop. [We used to make fun of mall cops but in this economy we’re fascinated by anyone who still has a job.]
Scientists have revealed details of a high-tech breakthrough which could help childless couples using in-vitro fertilization. [It's a new program which allows the childless couple to select a kid from the Brangelina brood.]
An elderly couple went missing from a cruise ship over the weekend. [Crews noticed the couple was missing when there was pudding leftover after dinner one night.]
Nearly one thousand people have been caught cheating on China's notoriously competitive civil service entrance exams. [Almost half of them underage gymnasts.]
WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING ME stories OF the DAY:
This sounds like the beginning of a really bad comedy, or a really bad slasher film. Three buses carrying this year's 52 Miss America contestants got lost during the women's first night in Las Vegas. Miss Washington Kate Marie Grinold said the buses accidentally took the pageant contestants to the wrong restaurant location Saturday night. The upside, says Grinold: "We got to see a lot of lights." Miss Nevada Julianna Erdesz says the bus was lost for 90 minutes and that she and Miss Oklahoma were on their iPhones bringing up GPS directions for the driver.
A former Miss USA and former NBC soap actress has stunned the entertainment world by launching an adult film career. Kelli McCarty, who had a gig on NBC's Passions, will be in video to be released February 4. McCarty says she's the one who approached the adult movie company (Vivid) "with the idea of shooting a film with a sexy but interesting storyline." She says she's very please with the outcome of the movie and may do another.
Michael Nicholson has a passion for learning. The 67-year-old Kalamazoo, Michigan, retiree has amassed 27 college degrees since 1963, and he's not done yet. He started with a bachelor's degree in religious education (at William Tyndale College in Detroit). That led to a master's degree in theology. Since then, he has earned two associates degrees, 19 master's degrees, three specialist's degrees and one doctoral degree. And he's currently pursuing two master's degrees -- one in health administration and the other in special-education administration. Nicholson and his wife have lived in Kalamazoo since 1980. He worked as a parking-meter attendant at a university for 11 years and took advantage of the tuition discount to earn several of his master's degrees there.
Two Burmese men who were lost at sea for 25 days after a fishing boat they were in sank off the coast of Indonesia were found alive, floating in an oversized icebox. The men were found Saturday. They climbed into a large icebox as the rest of the crew scrambled for something to grab. The rest of the ship’s crew have not been found.
A German woman missing for 12 years has been found living in the woods on the outskirts of Bern, Switzerland, with nothing more than an umbrella and tarp for shelter. The 52-year-old woman appeared to be healthy after living in the simple shelter. After being found she told authorities she didn't want any contact with her family. The woman spoke of a mission that she had to fulfill but didn't elaborate.
A Phoenix, Arizona, man who lost 392 pounds during a two-year diet and exercise regime had to have more than 30 pounds of excess skin removed from his body. David Smith used to weigh 630 pounds and was dangerously close to eating himself to death. But he sought help from a fitness instructor who helped cut his weight by almost two thirds. However removing the unsightly flaps of skin left hanging off his body took four separate operations over another 12 months. He also needed laser surgery on his eyes and dental work to fix his teeth, which had destroyed by too much sweets and soft drinks. The 31-year-old Smith has now become a fitness coach himself and found himself his first girlfriend.
A new $46 million machine designed to calculate how climate change will affect Britain has become a bit of an embarrassment for researchers because it has the same carbon footprint as 2,400 homes. The ironic problem, say officials is that they needed the extra computing power to improve the accuracy of their climate predictions, as well as its short-term weather forecasting.
Tom Cruise Alert:
According to the family of Claus von Stauffenberg, Tom Cruise was "too small" to play him in the film Valkyrie. In an interview with a German newspaper, the colonel's great nephew argues that Tom was miscast. The nephew sniffs: "[He] seems terribly cautious, almost as if he were afraid of playing the role. He tries to seem elegant but comes across as extremely stiff. He seems not at all decisive in the role and above all not charismatic enough. On the whole he just seems too small. Von Stauffenberg was the man behind the 1944 attempt to assassinate Adolf Hitler by placing a bomb in a briefcase.
An Italian publication opened its interview with Tom Cruise by describing all the restrictions imposed by the movie star's publicists. According to a tipster, the requirements to interview Tom Cruise were as follows:
• Must have seen Valkyrie.
• Must have liked Valkyrie.
• Must read a letter about how Scientology has never been banned in Germany. Even though Tom Cruise hates talking about Scientology.
NEW STUFF to BUY on TUESDAY:TODAY
• City of Ember
• The Express
• Henry Poole Is Here
• Max Payne
• Saw 5
• Criss Angel: Mindfreak: Season 4
• Emergency! - Season 5
• George Wallace (1997) (2-disc Special Edition)
• MGM: When the Lion Roars
• Moonlight - Complete Series
• My Three Sons - Season 1, Vol. 2
• The Rockford Files - Season 6
TODAY's Brain Buster: 70% of parents think it's easy to do this but 80% do it incorrectly. What? (Install a child car seat)
Joke of the DAY:
One day during cooking class, a teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered her class to the stoves to prepare their assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons." As the class stirred their sauces, one contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. She approached Mrs. Jones to test her theory. "Why wooden spoons?" she asked. "Because," Mrs. Jones replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts."
Thanks Tom Hunter, for the joke, much appreciated!!
NAP-TIME? No scratch that: